This is Not My Narrative

Small Epiphanies: December 6

I really want to respond to my friend B’s thoughts about time and discourse, particularly where he says, “Time is a series of discourses that structure both self perception and perceptions of others.”

And I will.

But not tonight.

Tonight is my last night on the east end. I’ve been out here since July 29, and I’ve loved, loved, loved it., and I’m going to be very sad leaving. Over-shadowing the leaving part, though, is that I’m defending my dissertation–which was finished and restructured and honed and edited and polished and revised and all kinds of mean, nasty things, and awesome things, over the past four months out here–on Wednesday, and I’ve just about lost all ability to focus on anything but that. I am in that fog that one falls into before one presents at a conference for the first time. I can’t think. I’m vaguely nauseous. I’m sort of paralyzed while my brain is cooking up all sorts of nasty scenarios. I have one lone xanax and so will have to act like an adult who can handle stress until Tuesday when I can take my last, saved-for-a-special-occasion, expired pill so I can sleep the night before the defense.

It has been a perfectly amazing and perfectly horrible four months, and I’m glad I came out here, and I’m glad I’m going home, too.

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